Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Thiniking
Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A. Dating children.
A. Dating children.
Sick Man
After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."
Monday, September 17, 2007
God sent you
A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her
mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Sex in Advertising
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."
So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."
On The Job Training
Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
Furrier Funnies
Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show
the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes
in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir
that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."
So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is
outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in
your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Footballing definitions
Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.
First Lady
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno . . .
. . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet,
You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have
to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"
. . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet,
You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have
to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The Laziest
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Hiding in the Closet
A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and
panting.
"What's up?" he asks.
"I'm having a heart attack!" cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he is dialing, his 4-year
old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe
and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his
screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his
brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.
''You bastard," says the husband. "My wife is having a heart attack and you're
running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"
Microsoft
What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
"Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
Doctor Visit
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the
doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes
off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."
doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.
"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes
off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."
Arithmetic
TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
dollars would you have?
VINCENT: One dollar.
TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.
The Devout Catholic Woman
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."
A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
"I mean her legs!"
Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN
Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her
that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and
stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to
call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the
other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and
stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to
call the Oval Office.
"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the
other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.
"Who is this?''
Superman
Superman was flying over a nude beach when he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing.
Being faster than a speeding bullet he decides that he can screw her quick
without her knowing. So he swoops down does his business. Wonder Woman jumps up
and says "what the hell was that?", the Invisableman replies "I don't know but
my ass sure hurts."
Difference between a girlfriend and a wife
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: Oh about 45 pounds.
soldier
a woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?" The woman
responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle
bags"
I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's
daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane
Hudson." The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr.
Hudson's daughter?" She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm
not."
One day a little girl came running into her house
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five
dollars!" The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five
dollars from.
The little girl replied: ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for
doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.
The mother told her daughter: "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see
your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I
got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing
a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied: "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy! I tricked
him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
Birthday Boy
A little boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy can take a shower with you?"
The mom says no, so the boys goes "please it's my birthday" "Ok" says the mom
"just don't look up or down" "Ok I promise" says the boy. But as soon as they're
in the shower the boy looks up and says "mommy what are those?" so the mom says
"those are my headlights" "oh" says the boy. Then he looks down and says "mommy
what is that?" so she says "that's my bush" "oh" said the boy.
So later the boy goes up to his dad and says "daddy can take a shower with
you?" and the dad says "no". "Please it's my birthday" "ok" said the dad "just
don't look down" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as they're in the shower the boy looks down and says "daddy what's
that?" so the dad says "that's my snake" "oh" said the boy.
So later that night the boy says "mommy, daddy can I get in bed with you I had
a bad dream" "no" say his parents. "Please it's my birthday" "Ok" said his
parents "just don't look under the covers" "ok I promise" said the boy.
But as soon as he's in the bed he looks under the covers and screams "mom turn
your head lights there's a snake in your bush!"
Friday, September 7, 2007
The blonde and 911
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.
Deodorant
Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk
"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
Friday, August 31, 2007
A Chemical Analysis of Woman
Element : Woman
Symbol : wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).
Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
Uses :
1. Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)
Symbol : wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 280
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).
Physical properties :
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
Chemical properties :
1. Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
2. May explode spontaneously if left alone.
3. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
4. Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
6. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
Uses :
1. Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
2. Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
3. Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
4. Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2. Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)
Dead Branch
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Ultra dumb people 02
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
Monday, August 27, 2007
Why Men Lie
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez.
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes', you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! -
Indian Marriage Jokes
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.
2.There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell.
3.A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : " Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married.
6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours."
7. "What's the matter, you look depressed." "I'm having trouble with my wife." "What happened?" "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days." But that ought to make you happy." "It did, but today is the last day."
8."Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair. " I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?". "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?" The husband replied. Because I work like a horse,live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."
Perfect Man in a Book Store
Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
A: In the pages of a romance novel.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Effects Of Drugs And Alcohol On Spider Webs
In the 1960s, Dr. Peter Witt gave spiders various kinds of drugs and alcohol to observe the effects on their webs. The results were pretty interesting.
Effects Of Drugs And Alcohol On Spider Webs - Watch more free videos
Effects Of Drugs And Alcohol On Spider Webs - Watch more free videos
Nasa And the Lawyer
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Chinese going to america
Once, there was 3 chinese people who wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back to China."
Osama Bin Laden
Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel
when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel
and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a
guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey,
look at the two assholes on that camel."
when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel
and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a
guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"
Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey,
look at the two assholes on that camel."
African And American- Chewing Gum
A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast -
coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when
an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and
starts an unwanted conversation:
American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In
the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into
croissants and sell them to South Africa."
American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his
teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs
into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to
South Africa."
South African: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Of course we do."
South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"
American: "Throw them away of course."
South African: "We don't. We put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell it to America."
coffee, croissants, toast, butter & jam, etc. when
an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and
starts an unwanted conversation:
American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don't. In
the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we
collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into
croissants and sell them to South Africa."
American: "D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
South African: "Of course."
American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his
teeth): "We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit
for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs
into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to
South Africa."
South African: "Do you have sex in America?"
American: "Of course we do."
South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?"
American: "Throw them away of course."
South African: "We don't. We put them in a
container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell it to America."
Marriage quotes 01
Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.
Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.
Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring
Opening The Jar
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing.
We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
The Beer Festival
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."
He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Wheelchair at the bar
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.
"How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
Saving Gas Cost
Don't worry about his gas cost. You still have alternative way to drive your car cost efficiently.
Friday, August 24, 2007
Signs and notices
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Worries while flying
Two statisticians were travelling in an airplane from LA to New York. About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced that they had lost an engine, but don't worry, there are three left.
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
However, instead of 5 hours it would take 7 hours to get to New York. A little later, he announced that a second engine failed, and they still had two left, but it would take 10 hours to get to New York.
Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced that a third engine had died. Never fear, he announced, because the plane could fly on a single engine.
However, it would now take 18 hours to get to new York. At this point, one statistician turned to the other and said, "Gee, I hope we don't lose that last engine, or we'll be up here forever!"
George Bush & 3 Boys
One day, three boys was walking and all of a sudden they see George W. Bush drowning. The three boys, not thinking, jumped down and saved him. After Bush was saved, he turned to all three of the boys and said "Thanks for saving my life, i will give you guys anything you want." The first boy said "okay, i want a mercedes". Bush said "Ok." The second boy says "Ok, i want one million dollars." Bush said "ok". The last boy said "I want a coffin." Bush said "why?" The boy said "my parents will kill me after i tell them who i saved today."
China Man and Black Man
ONCE THERE WAS A CHINA MAN AND A BLACK MAN.
THEY WERE STANDING IN FRONT OF A LAKE.
THE CHINA MAN SKIPPED A ROCK ACROSS THE LAKE, AND THE ROCK MADE A SOUND........."CHING, CHANG, CHONG ". THE BLACK MAN WAS
AMAZED AT WHAT HE HEARD. THE CHINA MAN SAID,"THIS IS HOW I REMEMBER MY ANCESTRY. ie THE DYNASTY OF CHING,THE DYNASTY OF CHANG, AND THE DYNASTY OF CHONG".
THE BLACK MAN WONDERED WHAT SOUND HE WOULD GET FROM
SKIPPING A ROCK ON THE LAKE.........
SO HE DID AND THE SOUND HE GOT WAS "CHIMP, PANS, ZEE".......
THEY WERE STANDING IN FRONT OF A LAKE.
THE CHINA MAN SKIPPED A ROCK ACROSS THE LAKE, AND THE ROCK MADE A SOUND........."CHING, CHANG, CHONG ". THE BLACK MAN WAS
AMAZED AT WHAT HE HEARD. THE CHINA MAN SAID,"THIS IS HOW I REMEMBER MY ANCESTRY. ie THE DYNASTY OF CHING,THE DYNASTY OF CHANG, AND THE DYNASTY OF CHONG".
THE BLACK MAN WONDERED WHAT SOUND HE WOULD GET FROM
SKIPPING A ROCK ON THE LAKE.........
SO HE DID AND THE SOUND HE GOT WAS "CHIMP, PANS, ZEE".......
I'll trust you that you paid
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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