Confusing Chinese Name

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!

Operator : You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent.

Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller : Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one)has involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one)got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator : I'm Saw Lee (Sorry).

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Mr. Bean's Christmas

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

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Thiniking

Q. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A. Dating children.

Men = Mini Skirt

Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Sick Man

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle
East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas,
pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

God sent you

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?" Her
mother told her, "God sent you."
Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
He sent them also," the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has been no sex in this family for 200 years!
No wonder everyone's so grouchy around here." 

Banana Fish

You might say "what the heck is this?" Fish?? or Banana?? but dont think another.

Sex in Advertising

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which
said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to
remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to
religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign
down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two
ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an
easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which
now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

On The Job Training

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, “You’re not sanitary, and you’re not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher’s husband would be
calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple’s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked “What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
     

Furrier Funnies

Sam and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Beverly Hills furrier. "Show
the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes
in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, "Ah, sir
that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on
Monday to pick it up, after your check has cleared."

So Sam and the woman leave. On Monday, the Morris returns. The store owner is
outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in
your checking account!"

"I just had to come by," grinned Sam, "to thank you for the most wonderful
weekend of my life!"
     

Footballing definitions

Football: A game consisting of 22 skilled players, one impartial referee, two
eagle eyed referee's assistants and one stupid ball.
Teammate: Another person that you have to dribble around
Fans: Two sets of abusive referees
Offside: The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are
drawn towards.
Scoring: When 11 men spontaneously start dancing and kissing, regardless of
any injuries, whilst 11 others droop like wallflowers
Striker: Faultless, overpaid, box hogging lay about whom only misses the goal
when he is fed a bad ball
Defender: Player who's function is to commit fouls just outside of the penalty
area
Ball: Round object used by referees to entice players into committing fouls.   

First Lady

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno . . .
. . . were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet,
You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have
to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his."
Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have
to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."
Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"
Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can."
Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary
headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be
wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for
him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding
fart you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you Janet?"